The Style Invitational Week 992 Mittsterpiece Theatre
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, October 11, 3:00 PM
Oscar the Grouch becomes the new host of
“Hoarders.”
“News12Minutes With Jim Lehrer.”
“Sesame Street” becomes a 20-minute
segment of “The Honey Boo Boo Hour.”
One thing Mitt Romney said
during the debate that made even President Obama wake up for a minute was his
vow to “stop the subsidy to PBS,” even though “I love Big Bird.” (You’d think
he would have loved Big Bird’s role in selling $47 million worth of products
for the nonprofit Sesame Workshop, but we don’t think that’s what he meant.)
This week, in a contest
suggested by Longtime Loser Larry Yungk: Suppose public-TV shows, past or
present, were turned out onto the open market to make a living on commercial
TV. Tell us what could happen, as in Larry’s examples above.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives, for once from this contest, money. Two cash prizes, in fact:
First, a seat cushion of clear plastic — the stiff kind your great-aunt used to
cover her nice upholstery with so that no one would hurt the extra-soft and
comfortable fabric — stuffed with genuine finely shredded U.S. currency; it’s
being regifted right back to the Invitational by Tom Witte, who won it in Week
164 (1996); I cannot guarantee, however, that it has ever actually cushioned
the Hall of Fame Loser’s rear end. And we’ll throw in a genuine rubber $100
bill, donated by Dave Prevar. A budget-stretcher. Or a budget stretcher.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Oct. 22; results published Nov. 11 (online Nov. 8). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 992” in your e-mail subject line or
it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin
Dopart; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Tom
Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 988, in which we asked for ways to speed up or to add excitement to
various sports and leisure activities. Lots of people suggested that NBA games
begin in the last five minutes, since that’s all that matters anyway. We said
we’d be flexible about what constitutes a leisure activity: So: scratching,
okay; even watching paint dry, okay. Doing one’s taxes or talking to tech
support, no.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
For speed and excitement: Dog
racing: Turn the tables and have the greyhounds chased by genetically modified
saber-toothed rabbits. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
2. Winner of the three-sided
dice plus the instructions on exploding animal carcasses: For speed and
excitement: Baseball: Spike their steroids with amphetamines. (Dixon Wragg,
Santa Rosa, Calif.)
3. For excitement:
Rock-Paper-Scissors: Use real rocks and scissors, but you still have to use
your hand for paper. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
4. For speed: The Rubik’s
Square. (Jim Reagan, Herndon, Va.)
A bit gamy: honorable mentions
Require that batters’
crotches be pre-scratched before they reach the plate. (Ralph Nitkin,
Rockville, Md.)
For every false start or
delay of game, an NFL team has to replace one of its linemen with a
cheerleader. (Katherine Stikkers, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)
Baseball: Pitchers who are
replaced fall through a trapdoor under the mound. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Lugers slide down the track
on their backs as usual, but headfirst, guided only by three rear-mounted
dental mirrors. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Soccer: Keep adding balls
until someone finally scores a goal. (Anne Clark, Rochester, N.Y.)
Binary sudoku. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)
Instead of using chess clocks
in tournaments, have crowds of spectators count aloud “One hippopotamus, two
hippopotamus . . .” (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)
Divide the football field in
half lengthwise, and play both halves at once — with the offense on one team
playing the defense of the other. Better sideline views, and more time for
tailgating. (Owen Hammett, Lorton, Va., a First Offender)
A golfer has one minute to
make a shot before the sprinklers come on. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)
Bowling alleys should have
ball-return cannons. (Michael Burch, Nashville, a First Offender; Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)
The Game of REAL Life: Just
hand all cash, stock certificates and properties to the banker. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Call-and-response tennis: The
audience divides into two groups to enthusiastically echo every grunt and
squeal made by the players. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Hockey: Put the penalty box
inside the goal. (David Genser)
Replace those boring X’s and
O’s with real ticks, tacks and toes. (Laurie Tompkins, Rockville, Md.)
Institute 40-second clocks in
stadium restrooms. When a stall’s clock expires, someone in a striped uniform
bangs on the door, pelts the user with yellow flags and blows his whistle until
the person finishes. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
Water polo: Award points for
removing an opponent’s swimsuit. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Taking a cue from baseball:
Golfers should be acknowledged with their own “putting songs” blared over
loudspeakers as they prepare their shots. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)
Pictionary: The Muhammad
card. (Danny Bravman, Chicago)
Watching paint dry: First
take away the “wet paint” sign . . . (David Genser)
To make opera go faster, give
the fat lady the first aria. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Speed up the men’s 100-meter
dash by renaming it “foreplay.” (Dion Black, Washington)
Boxing: Between rounds, don’t
have those bikini-clad ring girls prance around degradingly with those signs.
Have them fight each other. (David Genser)
Next week’s results: On the double, or Twainful
employment.